Little Steps Amount to Big Gains

I can't believe it's been 7 years since I've made a post. Don't get me wrong, I've written down "posts" in journals a thousand times since then but I feel like I let this go. Life got busy and then it got boring and then busy again.

So, let's just start off with today. Where I'm at TODAY as I need to focus on the present. August 27th, I had the worst panic attack ever. And I feel like I'm stuck in flight or fight mode. I forced myself to take time off work and focus on myself, healing my traumas so I can move forward into what God has planned for me... what the universe has in store for me. I want an upgrade, I've been asking for an upgrade and I've been manifesting my higher self for years now. But the fact is, I have to heal the past in order to completely move on to the future.

I procrastinate, A LOT. I push things aside, I stuff things down. And I think everything is just coming out so I can clear out room to create a better future. Anyone else? I KNOW I'm not alone here. I also tend to put everyone else first, which y'all know, I'm a momma so in a way that's what I should be doing. However, I've been focused on so much external energy... what about me? Who's going to take care of me? I have expected that to come from my significant other, totally guilty. Reality is, I'm not getting it and I'm not going to get it from anyone else but myself. I NEED to turn it all in and focus on myself, put myself first for a little while. It's crazy, when you realize this and you start doing it... people that you thought you could rely on to support you, to help you (you know, all the people that you were putting first or pleasing) start stepping back, they stop calling, they give you an attitude or a cold shoulder because YOU finally set up some boundaries to put yourself first. It has seriously made me question every area of my life. It's hard for me to say "no" to going places but I stepped back and realized what drained me, what places didn't make ME feel good going even family functions that made me leave feeling like I was judged for my life choices. When you truly step back and see everything and everyone for what it is or when you go through difficult times in your life, you see the true colors of everyone around you. And that in itself can trigger anxiety.

Today, I am going to focus on myself. I am going to go to therapy, get my oiled changed, wash my car and write down my goals. Where do I see myself in the future? What do I want my day to look like? I know big things are in store for me, it's just a matter of pushing through one of the darkest times of my adulthood. Little steps are big gains.